You, Sweet Peas...

.

You, Sweet Peas,

seduce me with your glorious smell

each morning

drawing me out of the house

onto the deck

to drink your syrupy scent

with deep inhalations

Thanks for getting me outside

into the crisp morning air.

In the middle of a Canadian October

you defy the season

still joyously climbing

climbing

thriving

and making me feel

that summer has yet to depart!

Thank you.

Weeding and Shedding Old Skin

I am trying to bring
my love of gardening to
the task of
     unearthing invasive weeds:
patterns and habits that choke my life


no longer effective
     no longer needed.

If humans were like reptiles,
shedding their skin,
     that old thing that limits them,
as they
grow in spirit

the world would be...
...perhaps not a 'better place'
but one I think
     I'd enjoy more.

If we never assumed we had 'matured'
'grown up'
     never assumed we were 'finished'

always believed there was growing yet to do

then what?

I don't want to stay the same.
The same limitations
the same behaviour
     causing all of the same old problems I've

visited so many times
before.

Enough!
If living life a certain way
led to results I didn't like
     repeatedly

why would I carry on in the same way!

To break free from this fear
     the tie that binds me
requires change
a new approach
which,
of course,
I haven't done before
     and so may be clumsy at
which may not lead to results I like
     right away.

But I owe it to myself
to give this new approach
the same honour I gave the old one - that one which didn't work.
     The honour of trying it repeatedly.

Perhaps, in time,
it will become
the new normal.


I'm calling on snake energy now
     Oh wonderful, sinuous friend
please help me wriggle out of my old skin
and find ways
to stay safe
     until the new one has become less tender.

very approachable garter snake, summer 2009

Fight, Flight... or Freeze?

Lately I've been feeling more and more frustrated with my reaction to *possible* conflict (my response to actual conflict is even worse).
I avoid conflict like the plague - silencing my true voice any time I feel that speaking honestly could lead to conflict.  The limbic system in my brain misinterprets almost any level of threat as life-threatening - even a mildly heated discussion about politics!
My response is to freeze up, shut down and withdraw inside myself.  So frustrating!  I really want to change this about myself.  Journalling about it led to this bit of writing:

I am not the caged animal who tries frantically to escape.

Who fights tooth and nail no matter the odds.

Who, determined, chews off their own leg

to be free of a trap.

I have no Fight or Flight.

I am the deer who freezes when the lion approaches.

I am the one who lies down and waits to die.

Why?

____________________________________________


I found an excellent article about this here:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rewire-your-brain-love/201008/four-ways-respond-during-argument 

THIS is being alive

Redbird sings
sweet piercing
sunrise salutation

Robins, en masse,
hunt for breakfast

and a school janitor
quietly collects garbage
blown around by the night winds.

After walking,
I sit on a bench
and raise my arms to the sky.

Sitting here typing now,
I look out the window and see
a rainbow!

This
is being alive.

A Two Hawk Day

Today is a two hawk day.

Breast feathers puffed out

to soak up the sun

heat very welcome on this frigid morning.

Four brave squirrels share the tree

warmth more important

than hiding from predators.

After a time

the hawk's wings spread wide

and it glides away.

Mere seconds later

another swoops in

to take it's place!

Gifts like these

keep this country girl

sane in the city.

*note*

the photo is not mine - it's from photobucket.com

I decided to enjoy the view instead of running to get the camera - more 'in the moment'.

Early Morning Time

This early morning time

chilly and still

is a balm

for my spirit

I hear it

within

breathe in

breathe out

glad to be alive

quite seperate from

physical pains or worries

Some days we are gifted

my spirit and I

with sunrises

joyous

and

beyond

description

mere words are nothing

compared to the slow motion glory

unfurling across the canvas of the sky

When going through old boxes recently

an art journal page popped up

listing changes in my life

that would signify

a miracle had

occurred

near the top was:

waking up naturally before 9am

what was so foreign and impossible-feeling back then

is 'normal' now

The shifting

brought on

by this salt remedy

in my body

is profound

returning me to my balance

reuniting me with

my true flow

and the path to

my spirit home

which has always been within me

though I had lost my way

*note* the 'salt remedy' refers to my treatment with Nat. Mur. as a constitutional homeopathic remedy. 10.5 months of treatment now. Profound changes.

Salt

Salt

basic

intrinsic

body ingredient.

warm ocean flowing within me

tide rising and falling over sixty times each MINUTE

through the entire 5 feet, six inches of my body!

SURELY this is one of the Wonders Of The World!

Look out Bay of Fundy

you've got competition

☺

~

What Happened To This Project?

It lasted less than 3 months...
I discovered that the part of my mind that can write prose or stream-of-consciousness does not work while I am typing.
They simply don't go together.


I can, however, still write that way holding a pen/cil. I assume this is because typing has never come easily to me. Trying to do something that is physically and mentally challenging seems to short-circuit the creative part of my brain!


And I just didn't have the patience to write it all on paper and then type it out later (I'm a bit low on patience in general :).

I'm a bit sad about this because I think it's a really good project. I miss that flowing-writing part of my brain, miss having that in my life.

So I am going to try writing in a journal again. I may come on here once in a while to post the results.

The Sky

O the sky

is filled with colours
that have no names

And the air
has a taste
so pure and clean

O you
who find your god in nature

will know what I mean

Bright Orange Shirt

Today was a day for a bright orange shirt
Sun a-shine
skies of blue
fresh, clean air
and I wanted to shout

I'm alive!

but I'm not much of a shouter so my shirt spoke for me.

Sudden spring-y energy welled up in me
and now, many hours later, I am aching everywhere
but filled with a sense of accomplishment.
Can't even count the chores I got done.

Post-exertional fatigue looms tomorrow and for however many days after
but for now
I feel good despite the ache.

Turtle Wisdom

don't rush your healing

have patience

trust that all will happen
with divine timing

grow a strong shell

retreat when it feels wise to

snap if needed!

slow and steady (wins the race)

Turtle has no shame at being an introvert!
shy, enjoys quiet and solitude
hides from loud noise, sudden movements, chaos

__________

I decided to take a week off from humans - wrote about it here on my bother blog. *edit* obviously that was a typo - should read OTHER blog but since it sometimes feels like a stress in my life, I get a kick out of that 'typo' bother blog! LOL!!

Upstream or Downstream?

Think of Abraham Hicks (their take on the 'Law of Attraction')

If it's hard, draining, struggle
then it's UPstream - against the flow.

So the way I'm going (hard)
is upstream.

It doesn't have to be hard.

I feel like there's a switch
That could turn off all this
lack of wellness.

Bloody hell where is it?

Good Quote (Smallville)

This line jumped out at me from a Smallville episode:

"As long as you're trying to be someone you're not, you'll be vulnerable."


!!!!

So good!
Could say so much about this but don't feel like trying to get the words out.
Finding myself journalling rather than writing prose worth posting here.

Donna Eden DVD's

Watching the Donna Eden DVDs is both inspiring and daunting(so much work to do!.
Lots of hope - especially considering she used to be SO SICK!!!
Now she's amazingly vibrant.

Same Old, Same Old

Not many words in me today.
Just many feelings.
Hard to express
Inexpressible

try anyhow

Ache, lonely, yearning, emptiness, sad, tired, same old same old
over and
over and
over again.

How many YEARS of

no exercise
no eat well
no drink enough water
no meditate
no move forward.

I'M SICK OF IT!
So frustrated with self!

ENOUGH!
But how to change?
HOW?

More Migraine

traded one side for the other
at least this one's not as bad
This pain has teeth.
Dull, gnawing away at my head.
No wonder people kill themselves if they can't get relief.

tell me
your name (pain)
what makes you tick?
Something drives you - life of your own
Remove the source of your fuel
and will you wind down to a stop?

_____

please note - I do get relief from my migraines - this poem was expressing my feelings - no need to worry that I'm suicidal - just was thinking about hearing of migraine sufferers being at higher risk for suicide.
:)

Quiet Evening

quiet
drifting languid evening

napping cats
soft tick of clock

a gentle time of day

Somewhere,
a hawk roosts in the dark.

Squirrels tuck their little paws
into their dried leaf nests.

Raccoons venture out
in hopes of an early snack.

Smell Invasion

Smell
has invaded my home
my safe space... isn't.

I must make
a safe space
within myself
that I can carry
wherever I go.

How?

Migraine Transformation

Light hurts
sound hurts
movement hurts

the pulse of blood through my body
hurts.

There is no escape but sleep
and all this pain make sleep
elusive.

Once the pain is finally gone,
I feel reborn!
Nervous and fearful at first
lest any sudden move
or bright light
bring back the pain

but as time passes
and I believe I am safe,
I feel both exhausted
and very alive.

Newly alive.

For those few days,
my entire world was pain.
My very self consumed. Dead to the world.

Such a relief then, a joy,
to find I still exist.

Wisdom of Nature

Doves sitting calmly in the tree
tell me neither falcon nor hawk
are nearby

The wisdom of nature
abounds
even in the city

Watch for it
Listen
Feel
Know

The animals, plants and trees
have not forgotten
the deep, primal truths

This feel to the air tells of snow,
this one of rain or drought.
No clocks are needed to know the 'time'...
the seasons unfold perfectly even in the absence of calendars.
A hundred little signs speak of changes to come.

Be aware.
Tune in.

What is nature saying today?


Gentle wind
grey skies
snow sifting, drifting softly down

A day for burrowing down
into nest or den
for fluffing up feathers
and conserving heat

Bigger flakes now
faster wind

A good time
for a warm drink.

no flow while typing

trying to flow while typing.
but it really just isn't working so I've given up again.
back to the good old pen and paper.

I wonder if the earlier patterns and pathways forged in my brain are more intact than later ones?

Perhaps they were deeper, more permanent -
having been travelled over and over and over again.

If so,
in theory,
I should type MORE
not less.

But I don't want to.
Especially since I have problems with my arms lately.

nickle dackle
spackle
spoo

the things that pop into my mind are weird sometimes!
flow doesn't happen very easily when I am typing
takes too much brain power to type
and then
the connections between thoughts, feelings and words slip away from me

better to write on paper and later post to blog

good to know

Empty is not the right word... but it is

such a strange
empty space
to be in

the words

all
on
one side

the means to

express them
on
the other

and I
in
the middle
empty

I cannot find
the -

ironically, even this -

it's like -


so empty

-------------------

Empty is the right word but it doesn't make sense.
In fact, I am so full of thoughts, ideas, feelings
but all the..
the -
connecting bits don't work

A tempest rages in my mind
All of the pieces are still there

the things, stuff, ___?___, that held them together coherently feels
torn apart by the wind, rain

What is the wind?

If the storm eased,
would the words draw together again fluidly like before?
Or are the pathways, connections damaged beyond repair?

Only time will tell
and
despite outward appearances

I
am
NOT
patient

short circuit between brain and hand

Hard, cold words
crisp against the page

"A poem a day"

short circuit between
brain and hand
makes this much harder than expected.

Frugality of words appeals
thoughts condensed to essence

grief
frustration
envy

bone tired

"Would you wear confidence like a cloak?"

Emphatic, "No!"

"It would be my very bones.
Shoring me up from the INside."